Checking in:
Today I'm feeling like: I need a change. I need to really work on my recovery. I'm not completely hopeless or despairing, but I had a difficult Sunday, and I realize I want change more than to be stuck in this same old pattern of feeling like I'm going nowhere.
How I'm going to get there....
I want to: journal everyday. Inspired by The Man with a Shattered World. He went through so much loss of his old abilities. What a painstaking process he went through to learn to write again. And journaling his experiences was a place he found purpose and meaning in his life. It was hard work, but he kept at it every day. This is also something I need to learn to do.
Last night / Yesterday: I slept too much. I slept for most of the day. I started getting depressed. Started feeling hopeless. Started losing sight. Or maybe actually started seeing reality, was what it was. I don't think I woke up until after 12. And then I went back to sleep around 6 or 6:30. Sadly, it was daylight savings and I didn't even realize it until I went back to sleep and woke up again (around 9, I think). I spent a few hours on the computer exploring "The Amen Solution" website. Just what I need, an internet based program to get addicted to the computer. (Sarcasm). Then when I tried to go back to sleep around 12 or 1am, I was wide awake with a bit of racing thoughts. I journaled a bit and soothed myself by talking to myself, but then got agitated and unable to fall asleep until I think about 4:30am, when I finally began to drift off. I got up at 8:35 this morning, deciding that I don't want to sleep past 8:30. I've already made a bad habit of waking up at 8:30 and it's pretty bad, to say the least.
One thing I did like about the Amen solution is this thing called the One Page Miracle, and it's just one page of all the reasons why I would want to live a healthier life. It's a motivation page to get myself to really go after the kind of life I really want to live. And I realized that I'm living a pretty meaningless life because there isn't anyone in my life that I truly care about enough to motivate me to live better. Isn't that sad?? As I was journaling, the two most closest people that came to my mind were Dad and Valerie. And I don't really do much for either of them.
As I was drifting off to sleep, I started imagining that I had these heavy and dark stones in my heart. One was called "Depression" and I coaxed myself to drop that heavy stone and replace it for a golden new one. I forgot what I originally exchanged that one for, so I made up a new stone. First it was "Beauty" but then I realized that I don't necessarily want "Beauty" if it's superficial and only outward. The word that really got me was "Transformation" that represents "Inner beauty." I think this is a marking point that I want to build in some real life-changing habits that will keep me girded and going on into transformation - a NEW me. I went ahead and exchanged a stone called "Darkness" for a stone called "Light." That was easy and obvious. I then came across two stones called "Selfishness" and "Self-Centeredness." When I came to remove them, I found some resistance. Either my Self didn't want me to get rid of it, or it was like attached to me. I felt a bit hopeless and at a loss to convince myself that this needs to be gotten rid of. I wasn't sure if my Self was acting as a child that cannot be reasoned or a teenager that can be coaxed by reason. I tried different tactics, like listening and asking my Self why I wanted to hold onto these 2 dark and deadly stones. I found out that these stones are attached to "Self" and "comfort" and "security" - two seemingly good stones, but also rather dark and dangerous. And Self was confused. Self thought she was evil and that's why I wanted to get rid of these stones. I had to explain to Self that these stones did not identify her. That she was not what these stones dictated she was! I still felt resistance, like she hadn't bought me out yet. So I began to make a deal with her. I told her, "Look, why don't we try shopping around for 2 other stones to replace "Self-Centeredness" and "Selfishness" and for 30 days try it out to see if we like the other stones or not? And if we don't like it, we can return it at the store." Immediately, I felt as though I said the wrong thing. What if she didn't like it and we had to return it? And I wouldn't be able to make good on my offer? Then I changed tactics and decided to give a lecture on what is "good for me" and what isn't. I began to tell Self the pros and cons of keeping these stones as opposed to getting rid of them. The two stones I saw that could replace "Self-Centeredness" and "Selfishness" were "Freedom" and "Responsibility." I began to tell Self that in order to move forward and progress into maturity and adulthood is to get rid of "Self-Centeredness" and "Selfishness" and take care of "Freedom and Responsibility." See, Self-Centeredness doesn't require much attention. It just sits there and demands things, and you have to give into each of its demands. And you do without even realizing it. Selfishness is the same. But Freedom and Responsibility take work. You have to lead it or it will lead you. You have to maintain it to feel prosperous and valuable. You have to work at it to grow it. It's like a plant that you water and nurture every day. This would require waking up in the morning when I don't want to wake up, to take care of my body. This is not selfishness. This is Freedom and Responsibility. This is doing things that I don't want to do for the sake of health and wholeness. This is (for example) studying for the PTCB exam even if I don't see a future in it. As I began telling Self this, I realized what wisdom I was learning in the process. Taking care of myself requires wisdom. And I needed that badly. I didn't get a lot of that from Mom. But I also went through a process of forgiving mom for what she couldn't give me. I recognized that she gave me everything she could and what she couldn't, how can I expect her to give? I didn't appreciate her for what she DID give. So I began thanking myself and telling myself that I did want "Freedom" and "Responsibility." I found myself buying into this whole piece.
Well, lately it's been like this: I've been really wanting to get married and live on my own, but I'm rarely willing to take the initiative to take care of myself and do things that are required TO live on my own. Like cooking, cleaning, household duties. I don't like waking up early in the morning to exercise and I haven't been diligent in cleaning my room or my email box. Everything is all avoidance. Perhaps its because I don't know what to clean or how to clean. What to get rid of, what to keep, how to organize things. This is majorly a part of Indecision. I also realized that I do not know what I supermost value in life. And if I did know it at a time previously, I'm certainly not living these values out now. Everything I do seems to breed "Selfishness" and "Self-Centeredness." So perhaps this is the first step. Is finding what my One-page Motivation is. If I'm not living for people in my life, at the very least, I ought to live for myself and look for people I want to live for.
As I began jotting down the things I am living for, my priorities, I realized that they are not truly in line with my fundamental core beliefs. I have ideals and I have the here and now. I'm mostly living out of my here and now priorities and not my ideals (or the things I desire to live for).
Some thoughts that came to mind were:
Enjoyment, pleasure
Comfort
Security
Purpose
Connection with world, ideas, other people
Productivity
Competence
Achievement
Attainable goals
Beauty
Generosity
Optimism
Health
Cleanliness
Order
Laughter
Nature
Learning
Regularity
Inspiration
Love
Wisdom
[church, God, religion] - in brackets because I don't like the way these words sound. And I think this is an outward based view of God rather than an inward transformation of Christ on the inside.
perseverance
endurance
faith. I think I haven't really touched faith in a long time. In my thoughts or actions or decisions.
Anyway, that's quite a list. I'm not going to change the world in one day, but I thought it would be helpful to start writing again. I feel as though I've lost a lot of my writing abilities since I haven't been writing regularly. I want to make sense of the world again through writing and learn to find myself.
I want to learn what makes me tick, what makes me elated, what drives me, encourages me, motivates me, keeps me stuck and in avoidance, and what moves me forward.
One thing I noticed is that although I enjoy things, I don't always do them. Like working out, writing, reading, cleaning and organizing, etc. I think it's because I'm in a depressed mode and so STUCK.
Between this month and December, I really want to work on change. I want to prepare myself for the new year and not be total victim and just let the New Year "happen" to me. If I have goals and dreams, I want to pursue them. If I want to get my license, I ought to make attempts to get it. I got to find what I truly want in life and pursue it like nothing else.
3 things I am going to do this week to make those changes:
1. Write a One-Page Motivation and post it on my desk, next to my bed, in the bathroom, and in my car. To get to this One-Page Motivation, I'm going to write a list of all the things I want, right now and in the future. And I will narrow this list to one page, what I really want in this life. I will read this One-Page Motivation every day to work on healthier lifestyle habits and pursuing the CHANGE I so desperately desire.
2. Journal my thoughts and feelings every day for at least 30 minutes. How can I get to where I'm going if I don't know where I'm at and don't know the necessary changes I need to make? I want to get away from making a to-do list or a schedule that I know I won't look at or keep. I'm not looking for temporary change, I'm looking for transformation. And that takes a deeper work inside. I need to know what I'm thinking, feeling, and hearing (from within). It's one thing to say I want to get married and have a family, but my beliefs are that this is impossible for me to grasp. It's one thing to say I want meaningful relationships in my life, but what am I doing to get there, or what are the barriers that keep me from really attaining and pursuing these things? Besides that, I want to recover my love for writing again. Eventually I want to start writing and sharing what I write, and this is a step towards that.
3. sleep by 11pm to wake up at 7am. Record my progress in my journal. And try to see what are the barriers that are keeping me from following through. Before I go to bed, I will write down 1-3 things I want to accomplish the next morning or day. 3 things I want to do in the morning this week: clean a small and manageable area of my room or desk, go work out 2-3 times this week, study at least 5 hours this week. This is obviously going to be challenging, so I'm definitely going to reward myself if I do this at least 3 times this week. (wake up early, that is, and do something productive in the mornings).
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