Journey of a Seeker

friends

This morning waking up was a little easier, but decided to sleep in anyway. Unless a real motivating factor comes up, I'm afraid I'm just going to continue waking up as I do. 8:30-9am. or later.

I thought about the lack of friends I have. I also thought about how I am turning 30 and how depressing it is that I don't have anyone to celebrate my 30 years with. I dreamed and Jenny and Daniel and George were in my dream. Jenny I think was having another baby. For some reason I was bleeding and George was wiping my blood. In another part of a dream I was watching a movie and Daniel and I were watching together and Daniel raised up the volume but didn't lower it again when commercial break came up. He went back to his room (in the 527 house) and threw basketball around in the air as he was lying in bed. (not something daniel would do?)

Anyway, as this new year comes I think I am willing and ready for some real and lasting changes. First of all, I want to be a part of something bigger than myself or my family. I want to really give myself to something that carries meaning and value for eternity. Not just a humanitarian society or something where I'm doing good deeds. I really want to invest myself in lives that are worth giving to. I really don't know how and where to find that, but I"m willing to go search for it. I was thinking about the church and how I've been finding it hard to become one with the members.

what I'm living for

I had the most horrible time waking up today. I "gave up." I gave into all my negative thoughts and emotions, including the suicidal ones. Let's see if I can remember all my negative thoughts...

• what's the point anyway?
• I want to just die
• I want to go to sleep and never wake up
• anxiety - as I hear dad up and making breakfast and listening to chinese

I woke up pretty clear-headed about 7am (and I woke up again before that around 5:30 or 6:30). But because I didn't have anything compelling to wake up for, I just went back to bed. I had a passing thought of going to exerciase, but I didn't have my clothes ready and what the heck, my bed was more comfortable. Calling me.

I kept waking up, between suicidal and depressed and anxious thoughts. Thoughts about what I needed to do today - missing the arts and crafts class but really not caring because the class was just not motivating me to get up. piano lessons and realizing that i hadn't practiced much this past week. anxiety and depression class - and realizing that i never wrote out my schedule of when I would do positive things. i didn't call sharon luiso last night, nor did I want to. I actually remembered at around 11pm but i didn't bother giving her a call. i was too wrapped up in my book (David Pawson's Normal Christian Birth). I have pharmacy tech class tonight but i didn't make the flashcards I was going to make. In fact, I haven't studied since Monday.

My life sucks. It's a web of uninteresting things, random things just sort of hobnobbled together to make a life. I am absolutely, positively depressed and don't know what to do about it.

What am I living for? I can think of a few things but none of them really sustaining. Let's see...

food. friends. family. my job.

does anyone actually care that I'm living? That I exist? Do I care?

It's gotta be beyond just having pleasure and fun. Yes, that's a big part of finding meaning, but it's got to be deeper than that. I imagine I have just turned pagan by the way I'm talking. I'm missing the whole point of life - which is Jesus. I don't know what this means anymore. What does it mean to live for Jesus? It seems I've gotten sidetracked and completely have lost my way. I'm searching for things that I never in a million years thought I would be doing. I've got to live for something beyond my job. A job is just a job. I've got to live for something beyond just learning how to do something. Learning is a part of life and living. If you don't learn new things, you can't grow. Learning is a part of life. I'm not living to learn, it's gotta be that I'm learning to live. I got to learn how to cope with my anxiety and depression to not allow it to grab hold of my will, emotions, and thoughts.

The question keeps coming at me - WHAT am I living for? WHO am I living for? What will be left when Dad goes and lives his own life? He already has lived his life, and he's continuing to do it. What about me? What have I done for myself?

I don't know. This is why I'm depressed. When I live for myself, I realize that kind of life is full of vanity. I think there is a way of seeing myself as first but it not being vanity, but I have not quite realized that yet. I know I have to take care of myself first before anyone else... but I do not yet know how to do that without putting myself first completely. Selfishness is a disease that is so subtle! It creeps in unexpectedly and when you try to root it out, it is so difficult to do. Anyway, this is something I will be exploring in the next few days and weeks, I believe. What am I living for? What gets me up in the morning? Who do I turn to when my world is falling apart? Or when I don't want to live anymore? I need something to sustain me in depression. All I know that can answer that is God. I've got to find Him and find His purpose and meaning in my life. He is the One, without being super religious, that is the Answer. He has the answer to all of my needs. He knows what I need!

Cold

It's gotten significantly colder the past few days and past week. Well, change of weather is good. Winter months are nice because it makes you appreciate warmth. And I realize that I get cold easily. I wonder if it is because I'm not taking care of my body as I need to. I know when your body doesn't have the nutrients it needs, the body gets colder faster. I do remember those chills I had when I was back in San Jose and wearing that huge brown coat with me everywhere I went. I was fasting a lot those days, and probably not doing it in healthy ways.

Today was an okay day. It was pretty busy at work which is a good thing. But right after lunch, I got super sleepy and did what I have done a couple of times. I went in my car and took a nap. It's crazy how I think of an idea to do something (not good) and when the opportunity comes again, I do it again. And I thought to myself how crazy it is that I'm doing it when I was in the middle of going to my car, but I ended up not caring and doing it anyway. I'm looking into getting these "wake me up pills" to get me up in the morning. That's how seriously desperate I am to wake up earlier. I figure if I wake up earlier, I will probably exercise and shower more regularly.

The issue of friends and having them is a big one to me, apparently. I was thinking today about what a bad friend I have been all these years I've been living. I remember when I left elementary school to go to middle school, I stopped talking to Maryam. I know Euna still kept in touch with her even after college. In middle school, I stopped keeping in touch with Euna. I did get back in touch with her when I was in the Bay Area, but lost touch again. *sigh* I don't know why I'm so bad at keeping in touch with people. I don't know why I'm so picky with my friends. I don't know why I am always wanting to be on the receiving end and not on the giving end. I want to make new friends, but I don't even really know how. I don't know how to connect with people at the most basic level. I'm barely knowing how to connect with myself.

No studying pharmacy today. I guess we'll have to see for tomorrow.

I really don't know if I should meet with the woman at the CBT center. It's $150 for a 50 minute session. That just seems like a lot of money and I simply can't afford it. Or more likely, I don't want to spend that much money when I can try doing what I'm doing now... working on my thoughts and behaviors. But a small part of me wants to just try it for all that it's worth. I think I will call tomorrow and ask if they can do discounts for low-income folks like me. It can't hurt to ask. And if she doesn't, I will just have to say I can't afford the sessions and will have to wait until I have more money. There's nothing wrong with saying that. I really do need to work on my saying "no" and boundaries. What I will take and what I will not take. *sigh* so many things I need to work on.

My positives:

1. I did not get into a car accident.
2. I finished the skirt I've been working on this past month! Even thought I have already forgotten the many steps to doing it, Hopefully I will take many more sewing classes and be able to do another skirt another time.
3. I am writing in my journal (I so far did 1 and 2 of my list of things to do this week)
4. I have a nice bed to sleep in tonight.
5. I WILL pass the PTCB test!

Depression & Suicide

It's 9:00 and finally I'm up. I've been nervous and anxious and trying to get up only to go back to sleep and filled constantly with thoughts of dread, hopelessness, suicide and depression. My constant thought in the morning is, "I don't WANT to wake up. I don't WANT to face reality. I don't WANT to live." Such strong thoughts provoke me every morning but this morning it was super strong. Perhaps it is because I set out to wake up earlier and satan knows that waking up earlier will be to my health and will decrease my depression.

The hardest part is taking control of my thoughts and stopping and killing them. I feel I hardly have any control over them in the morning because I am most vulnerable. I'm barely awake and my bed feels so good because I can drift off to oblivion and don't have to wake up and use my senses. I get depressed thinking about the friends I used to have. I get depressed thinking how active I was before. I get depressed thinking of my state of being now. These thoughts really do scare me. I think I'd be better off dead than alive. This truly is a state of hell on earth.

The other thing is I don't want to face a new day. I don't want to get ready for another day. Why? If it is going to be the same as every other day, what is there to look forward to? (Today, I purpose to live in expectation of a LOVING God towards me.)

Let's think of the positives for a moment. I feel good when I do what I say I'm going to do. I feel good checking off something on my list. I feel good when I do wake up early and I get something productive done in the morning. How can I make this feeling stronger and how can I actually allow its positive effects to MOTIVATE me to change my morning habits? One idea is to have a blanket on the floor so that when a certain time comes I would at least get off the bed and move to the floor even if I would sleep there for a few more minutes. At least I'm out of bed. Another idea would be to play my one-page motivation list every morning around the time I wake up. Is that possible to make it as an alarm? Another is to read a list of positives that I would keep right by my phone or bed when I wake up. Things that I love, people that I care about, Or better yet, have a prayer playing when I wake up. Thanking God for today and what He has done and is going to do in my life.

It's 9:15 and I'm feeling better already. I think the hardest thing is to take control of my thoughts when i first get up. Think of it as a mental exercise. Every day I wake up, I have to exercise positive thinking skills. Write as many lists (positive) as I can and post them all around my room and car and bathroom and record it in my ipod. Wherever I go, listen to them. Remember what it's like to be happy and try to keep thinking positive thoughts. My brain will thank me.

Sharon, today you didn't wake up at 7am, you woke up at 9am. How about tomorrow morning, instead of trying to wake up at 7am, try to wake up at 8:30am and if possible, wake up at 8am. It'll be a bonus if you wake up at 8am, and you will deserve a reward if you do. If you wake up at 8:15, that will be good too. Anything you do to either stay waking up at 8:30 or waking up even a little bit before.

Make a positives list. Things you love to do. Reasons why you want to live. What you want out of life and ways you will and are able to achieve them. If you have negative thoughts, write them down too, and then counter it with more positive thoughts.

You are not a failure. You are working on getting a healthier brain and life. It's hard work! It doesn't just come at you once you make a decision to be more positive and wake up earlier. These challenges are part of the game. Recognize it as it is, don't get discouraged by it, but hopefully it will make you that much more determined to overcome them. And do that! Overcome them! With little tips and see what a big difference it makes in your day!

Recovery

Checking in:
Today I'm feeling like: I need a change. I need to really work on my recovery. I'm not completely hopeless or despairing, but I had a difficult Sunday, and I realize I want change more than to be stuck in this same old pattern of feeling like I'm going nowhere.
How I'm going to get there....
I want to: journal everyday. Inspired by The Man with a Shattered World. He went through so much loss of his old abilities. What a painstaking process he went through to learn to write again. And journaling his experiences was a place he found purpose and meaning in his life. It was hard work, but he kept at it every day. This is also something I need to learn to do.
Last night / Yesterday: I slept too much. I slept for most of the day. I started getting depressed. Started feeling hopeless. Started losing sight. Or maybe actually started seeing reality, was what it was. I don't think I woke up until after 12. And then I went back to sleep around 6 or 6:30. Sadly, it was daylight savings and I didn't even realize it until I went back to sleep and woke up again (around 9, I think). I spent a few hours on the computer exploring "The Amen Solution" website. Just what I need, an internet based program to get addicted to the computer. (Sarcasm). Then when I tried to go back to sleep around 12 or 1am, I was wide awake with a bit of racing thoughts. I journaled a bit and soothed myself by talking to myself, but then got agitated and unable to fall asleep until I think about 4:30am, when I finally began to drift off. I got up at 8:35 this morning, deciding that I don't want to sleep past 8:30. I've already made a bad habit of waking up at 8:30 and it's pretty bad, to say the least.

One thing I did like about the Amen solution is this thing called the One Page Miracle, and it's just one page of all the reasons why I would want to live a healthier life. It's a motivation page to get myself to really go after the kind of life I really want to live. And I realized that I'm living a pretty meaningless life because there isn't anyone in my life that I truly care about enough to motivate me to live better. Isn't that sad?? As I was journaling, the two most closest people that came to my mind were Dad and Valerie. And I don't really do much for either of them.

As I was drifting off to sleep, I started imagining that I had these heavy and dark stones in my heart. One was called "Depression" and I coaxed myself to drop that heavy stone and replace it for a golden new one. I forgot what I originally exchanged that one for, so I made up a new stone. First it was "Beauty" but then I realized that I don't necessarily want "Beauty" if it's superficial and only outward. The word that really got me was "Transformation" that represents "Inner beauty." I think this is a marking point that I want to build in some real life-changing habits that will keep me girded and going on into transformation - a NEW me. I went ahead and exchanged a stone called "Darkness" for a stone called "Light." That was easy and obvious. I then came across two stones called "Selfishness" and "Self-Centeredness." When I came to remove them, I found some resistance. Either my Self didn't want me to get rid of it, or it was like attached to me. I felt a bit hopeless and at a loss to convince myself that this needs to be gotten rid of. I wasn't sure if my Self was acting as a child that cannot be reasoned or a teenager that can be coaxed by reason. I tried different tactics, like listening and asking my Self why I wanted to hold onto these 2 dark and deadly stones. I found out that these stones are attached to "Self" and "comfort" and "security" - two seemingly good stones, but also rather dark and dangerous. And Self was confused. Self thought she was evil and that's why I wanted to get rid of these stones. I had to explain to Self that these stones did not identify her. That she was not what these stones dictated she was! I still felt resistance, like she hadn't bought me out yet. So I began to make a deal with her. I told her, "Look, why don't we try shopping around for 2 other stones to replace "Self-Centeredness" and "Selfishness" and for 30 days try it out to see if we like the other stones or not? And if we don't like it, we can return it at the store." Immediately, I felt as though I said the wrong thing. What if she didn't like it and we had to return it? And I wouldn't be able to make good on my offer? Then I changed tactics and decided to give a lecture on what is "good for me" and what isn't. I began to tell Self the pros and cons of keeping these stones as opposed to getting rid of them. The two stones I saw that could replace "Self-Centeredness" and "Selfishness" were "Freedom" and "Responsibility." I began to tell Self that in order to move forward and progress into maturity and adulthood is to get rid of "Self-Centeredness" and "Selfishness" and take care of "Freedom and Responsibility." See, Self-Centeredness doesn't require much attention. It just sits there and demands things, and you have to give into each of its demands. And you do without even realizing it. Selfishness is the same. But Freedom and Responsibility take work. You have to lead it or it will lead you. You have to maintain it to feel prosperous and valuable. You have to work at it to grow it. It's like a plant that you water and nurture every day. This would require waking up in the morning when I don't want to wake up, to take care of my body. This is not selfishness. This is Freedom and Responsibility. This is doing things that I don't want to do for the sake of health and wholeness. This is (for example) studying for the PTCB exam even if I don't see a future in it. As I began telling Self this, I realized what wisdom I was learning in the process. Taking care of myself requires wisdom. And I needed that badly. I didn't get a lot of that from Mom. But I also went through a process of forgiving mom for what she couldn't give me. I recognized that she gave me everything she could and what she couldn't, how can I expect her to give? I didn't appreciate her for what she DID give. So I began thanking myself and telling myself that I did want "Freedom" and "Responsibility." I found myself buying into this whole piece.

Well, lately it's been like this: I've been really wanting to get married and live on my own, but I'm rarely willing to take the initiative to take care of myself and do things that are required TO live on my own. Like cooking, cleaning, household duties. I don't like waking up early in the morning to exercise and I haven't been diligent in cleaning my room or my email box. Everything is all avoidance. Perhaps its because I don't know what to clean or how to clean. What to get rid of, what to keep, how to organize things. This is majorly a part of Indecision. I also realized that I do not know what I supermost value in life. And if I did know it at a time previously, I'm certainly not living these values out now. Everything I do seems to breed "Selfishness" and "Self-Centeredness." So perhaps this is the first step. Is finding what my One-page Motivation is. If I'm not living for people in my life, at the very least, I ought to live for myself and look for people I want to live for.

As I began jotting down the things I am living for, my priorities, I realized that they are not truly in line with my fundamental core beliefs. I have ideals and I have the here and now. I'm mostly living out of my here and now priorities and not my ideals (or the things I desire to live for).

Some thoughts that came to mind were:

Enjoyment, pleasure

Comfort

Security

Purpose

Connection with world, ideas, other people

Productivity

Competence

Achievement

Attainable goals

Beauty

Generosity

Optimism

Health

Cleanliness

Order

Laughter

Nature

Learning

Regularity

Inspiration

Love

Wisdom

[church, God, religion] - in brackets because I don't like the way these words sound. And I think this is an outward based view of God rather than an inward transformation of Christ on the inside.

perseverance

endurance

faith. I think I haven't really touched faith in a long time. In my thoughts or actions or decisions.

Anyway, that's quite a list. I'm not going to change the world in one day, but I thought it would be helpful to start writing again. I feel as though I've lost a lot of my writing abilities since I haven't been writing regularly. I want to make sense of the world again through writing and learn to find myself.

I want to learn what makes me tick, what makes me elated, what drives me, encourages me, motivates me, keeps me stuck and in avoidance, and what moves me forward.

One thing I noticed is that although I enjoy things, I don't always do them. Like working out, writing, reading, cleaning and organizing, etc. I think it's because I'm in a depressed mode and so STUCK.

Between this month and December, I really want to work on change. I want to prepare myself for the new year and not be total victim and just let the New Year "happen" to me. If I have goals and dreams, I want to pursue them. If I want to get my license, I ought to make attempts to get it. I got to find what I truly want in life and pursue it like nothing else.

3 things I am going to do this week to make those changes:

1. Write a One-Page Motivation and post it on my desk, next to my bed, in the bathroom, and in my car. To get to this One-Page Motivation, I'm going to write a list of all the things I want, right now and in the future. And I will narrow this list to one page, what I really want in this life. I will read this One-Page Motivation every day to work on healthier lifestyle habits and pursuing the CHANGE I so desperately desire.

2. Journal my thoughts and feelings every day for at least 30 minutes. How can I get to where I'm going if I don't know where I'm at and don't know the necessary changes I need to make? I want to get away from making a to-do list or a schedule that I know I won't look at or keep. I'm not looking for temporary change, I'm looking for transformation. And that takes a deeper work inside. I need to know what I'm thinking, feeling, and hearing (from within). It's one thing to say I want to get married and have a family, but my beliefs are that this is impossible for me to grasp. It's one thing to say I want meaningful relationships in my life, but what am I doing to get there, or what are the barriers that keep me from really attaining and pursuing these things? Besides that, I want to recover my love for writing again. Eventually I want to start writing and sharing what I write, and this is a step towards that.

3. sleep by 11pm to wake up at 7am. Record my progress in my journal. And try to see what are the barriers that are keeping me from following through. Before I go to bed, I will write down 1-3 things I want to accomplish the next morning or day. 3 things I want to do in the morning this week: clean a small and manageable area of my room or desk, go work out 2-3 times this week, study at least 5 hours this week. This is obviously going to be challenging, so I'm definitely going to reward myself if I do this at least 3 times this week. (wake up early, that is, and do something productive in the mornings).

God is Love. Sometimes the cliches that we've heard so many times needs to break out into a fresh and new way. Though all I see is my sin, shame, condemnation, and despair, and all I'm doing is trying to climb out of myself, there is a God whose name is Perfect Love and He is ready and willing and fully able to drive out all fear through His loving presence and His spirit and life-giving Word.

2009 prophetic words

As in the Days of Noah...

Prophetic Words for 2009

• He has raised up a powerful breed to stand in this last day season that is upon us. He has had many of you waiting in the wings to be used of Him. Remember when He said He still had five thousand who had not bowed to Baal? He has so many who honor and serve Him. He has so many that keep their hearts. They have been established in His Holy Spirit and in His Word.
• This is your year to come forth and shine.
• He has had you waiting ((Isa 40:31) But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.)
• This year you will realize that God has really been keeping you. (Prov 4:23),
• He has been preparing you. (Eph 6:15), and Standing for the time that He speaks for you to act (James 1:22).
• 2009 is your year. (Heb 11:1). He has called you to act right now in the face of this enemy all around you.
• This year you will know His glory in you, through you and for you. (Isa 60:1) Arise, shine; for thy light is come, and the glory of the LORD is risen upon thee.
• Although a dark hour in the natural, God will be using you in 2009. His glory will be shown through you as you speak His Word. (Isa 60:2) For, behold, the darkness shall cover the earth, and gross darkness the people: but the LORD shall arise upon thee, and his glory shall be seen upon thee.
• You have a special anointing of hope in 2009. It is literally an anointing of hope. Many will be drawn to the revelation of the Lord in you. You offer hope and miracles in a hopeless time. (Isa 60:3) And the Gentiles shall come to thy light, and kings to the brightness of thy rising.
• 2009 will be your year to pay attention to those who need you to walk in your authority in their behalf. (Isa 60:4) Lift up thine eyes round about, and see: all they gather themselves together, they come to thee: thy sons shall come from far, and thy daughters shall be nursed at thy side.
• 2009 will be known as the year that you really walked in respect of His Word and His anointing.
• Although it is impossible to see in the natural just how He will be blessing you in 2009, know
that He is doing it even as you read this Word. (Isa 60:5) Then thou shalt see, and flow together, and thine heart shall fear, and be enlarged; because the abundance of the sea shall be converted unto thee, the forces of the Gentiles shall come unto thee.
• You will see large supplies of finances early in this year. This quick and strong supply will be even a witness to the greater things He will do later this year. (Isa 60:6) The multitude of camels shall cover thee, the dromedaries of Midian and Ephah; all they from Sheba shall come: they shall bring gold and incense; and they shall shew forth the praises of the LORD.
• 2009 will be known as the year of My healing anointing. The Lord is also saying that He sent His word to heal you, deliver you and keep you. There will be more and more of the miraculous healing testimonies this year in the United States and in other parts of the world. You will be used in healing more than ever before this year.
• He has called you to speak His truth and create correct circumstances all around you. Circumstances that line up with His will and His Word are happening all around you. You are to act on the Word. As the days progress in the near future, you will face more and more that the enemy has tricked so many into believing and accepting as unchangeable and hopeless. You know the truth. You have the truth in you. That is what has made you free and empowered you to make many others free. When you act on that Word that has been given to you, you will see your world changed all around you.
• Remember that you have been given power over all of the power of the enemy (Luke 10:19). Remember that His Word always delivers you. Remember that when you speak His word, He is obligated to bring it into manifestation for you. When you speak His Word (inside a faith relationship), He will work with you (Mark 16:20).
• As you go forth into the New Year, be prepared. Keep your heart right. Prov 4:23) and live by faith. (Heb 10:38) Now the just shall live by faith: but if any man draw back, my soul shall have no pleasure in him.
• Whom He justifies, He glorifies. You will see more of His glory (manifested presence of God) all around you this year of 2009 than you have ever seen before. You don’t have to “just accept things.” You can and will change your world. You have been prepared to change your world all around you. You are prepared and expected to change your world with your God given authority. Did He not tell you that what you bind on earth is bound and what you loose on earth is loosed? Certainly, you must become the doer of the Word that you know this year!
• 2009 will be a year when you are known to start immediately anytime the devil shows up to quickly put Him down. Don’t let any circumstance get a head start on you. Quickly, stand against it right now! Stand on His Word. Decree His Word.
• 2009 will be called a year of change. Your world is about to change. This is to be called a year of change. (Job 22:28) Thou shalt also decree a thing, and it shall be established unto thee: and the light shall shine upon thy ways.
• Many were struggling as the Holidays began. Many things are already done. He has already supplied you this year. He has raised up miracles in many forms to meet the needs of His children, His ministers, and His disciples this day. I decree that every bill is paid. I decree that every thing needed is supplied. I decree that they not only have plenty to meet every need, but plenty to share.
• I decree a financial miracle for you, my friends who have begun a work across the ocean this month in total faith. I call every need met, in the name of Jesus. I decree that you, Lord have gone before them bringing favor and supply financially, physically and spiritually. I call in multiplication on every seed sown.
• There will be a miraculous supply to His ministers this year. Some of you (His ministers) seem as though they had less this holiday (things) than usual. Don’t give it another thought. God is not late in your supply. It is already done. You will see it happen before you.
• 2009 will be known as a year of greater strength and health in your household. • 2009 will be known as the year of good reports. It will be a year of fulfillments.
• God has raised up some new kind Prophets this year. This new breed of prophets have been around waiting for their timing. It is like you have been preparation waiting in the wings, growing, watching as well as being used a little bit from time to time. In comparison the road of ministry that He is about to take you down, it has only been a little bit of ministry. It is about to become “great ministry.”
• 2009 will be called your year to rise and shine. (Is 60:1). Just as the anointing came on Jesus at the due season, the due season has come for you. It is your due season.
• 2009 will be known as the year of reaping the salvation of family members. Remember in the Word where He said (Mat 10:37) He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. (Mat 10:38) And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me. (Mat 10:39) He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it. (Mat 10:40) He that receiveth you receiveth me, and he that receiveth me receiveth him that sent me. You have sacrificed all those that you love into my hands. My capable hands I might add. I am there for every one that you left in my care. I have so many doors opening for you. It will be so great, it will feel like your head is spinning in the natural.
• 2009 will be called a year of God’s timing. (Isa 40:31) But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.
• 2009 will be known as a season to receive fresh directions from the Lord daily. It is His Rhema Words of directions. He has been teaching you to hear his voice for many years. This will be a very active gift this year.
• 2009 will be called a year that you came into financial stabilization as never before. You have been given a special and fresh anointing of financial stabilization. No longer will it be feast and famine at your house. You will know more financial stability. Not only have I given you the knowledge and the anointing to receive your financial stability, so have I given you the anointing to share this anointing of financial stability. If you will notice, I have been commissioning you to give above and beyond so many times lately. It is more than the usual. This is because of this fresh anointing that has come upon you.
• 2009 will be called the year of the giver. He will be giving you more and more, because He has called you to be an anointed giver. Some of you will soon be able to give 90% to me and abundantly live on 10% that remains in your hands. You are an agent of my finances. It is more blessed to give than it is to receive.
• 2009 will be known as a year of impartation. Remember when I said stir up the gift that is in you by the laying on of hands. The laying on of hands represents impartations. I have taught you to speak my word and it will be done. I have made you a decree-er. You must decree this anointing and gift of abundance upon yourself and upon other ministries as I put them before you.
• 2009 will be a year known as a year to enjoy God’s blessings. God desires for you to just enjoy the blessings that He has put before you right now, but use them to seek Him. Use them to hear His voice. His sheep hear His voice and don’t follow a stranger.
• Some political decisions are still “up in the air.” There is no decision because God gave a free
will choice to some in high authority. If they choose God’s will, it will change the whole country. If they do not choose God’s will, then the country will be in for much greater famine, war and sorrow. Intercede that this leader will choose God’s will for us.
• This year will be a year that many are drawn to God. They are drawn to the revelation of God in you. You offer hope and miracles in a hopeless time. (Isa 60:3) And the Gentiles shall come to thy light, and kings to the brightness of thy rising.
• Pay attention to those who need you to walk in your authority on their behalf. This is your ministry. Always be a giver. (Isa 60:4) Lift up thine eyes round about, and see: all they gather themselves together, they come to thee: thy sons shall come from far, and thy daughters shall be nursed at thy side.
• This year will be known as a year of reverence and respect for His Word and Spirit.
• This year will be known as a special year that God lays up the wealth of the sinner for the just. • This is the year of the miraculous. Miraculous things are happening even now. It is impossible to see in the natural just how He will be blessing you. You will just “know it” as you read His Word. (Isa 60:5) Then thou shalt see, and flow together, and thine heart shall fear, and be enlarged; because the abundance of the sea shall be converted unto thee, the forces of the Gentiles shall come unto thee.
• This year will be a year to see large supplies of God’s provision in your hands. This miracle supply itself will be a witness as to my future fulfillment that I have promised to you. (Isa 60:6) The multitude of camels shall cover thee, the dromedaries of Midian and Ephah; all they from Sheba shall come: they shall bring gold and incense; and they shall shew forth the praises of the LORD.
• As you go forth into the New Year, be prepared. Keep your heart right. (Prov 4:23) Remember that the just will live by faith. Whom He justifies, He glorifies. You will see more of His glory all around you than you have ever seen before.
• 2009 will be called a year of decree. Decree His Word. Your world is about to change. (Job 22:28) Thou shalt also decree a thing, and it shall be established unto thee: and the light shall shine upon thy ways.
• Some serious physical issues will be fixed so quickly and so thoroughly this year, they will be remembered like a blip on the screen in comparison.
• 2009 will be a year of great spiritual activity. You have seen some really great things since you turned to the Lord years ago, but what you are about to see is greater than you have every seen or imagined. The real question is “are you ready for it?” Have you and are you keeping your heart with diligence? (Pro 4:23) Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.
• 2009 will be the year of open doors. You will see open doors and personal increase while there is more and more natural financial failure in the United States. Some of you had some great changes in your personal life this past year that you had waited years for. Some of you will experience your new beginnings even early this year. You have prayed so long, and it has already begun.
• He even told you that He would open doors that no man could open. He has already gone before you this year as you go out in His name. He supplied for you when it was impossible in the natural. There has already been some increase in your ministry. Compared to what He is about to do, that was nothing.
• To begin with, He gave you miracles in December and there will be more as you begin next year in a miraculous way. This year He will guide you to so many new places and where He will guide, He will provide. He keeps saying things like this for emphasis.
• He is confirming to you that He still takes care of His own sheep. He says to remind you that just as he took care of the widow and her son in famine, He is doing it for you as well in this financial famine. He is showing the world that you don’t need the world system to be taken care of. He is your very present help (Ps 46:1) today as just as well as He was back then.
• 2009 will be known for its ministry activity. Your Ministry activity is about to increase greatly. When it does don't complain about how busy you are. God is about to renew your spirit and your body. He is about to supernaturally give you the strength and the wisdom to keep up with what He has already begun for you in 2009. Many things you will be able to do that you have never been able to do physically because of this supernatural renewal in Christ. Didn’t He tell you in (Joh 15:7) If ye abide in me, and my words abide in you, ye shall ask what ye will, and it shall be done unto you?
In Him,
Prophetess Frances Lloyd
[email protected]
http://www.dailygoldenfootprints.com/

“PROPHECIES FOR 2009

1.    2009 Will Be A Year Of Love.
2.    2009 Will Be A Year Of Holiness & Integrity.
3.    2009 Will Be A Year To Build The Church.
4.    2009 Will Be A Year To See The Glory of God.
5.    2009 Will Be A Year To Receive Greater Revelation Of Our Royalty.
6.    2009 Will Be A Year To Receive Greater Revelation Of Our Prosperity.
7.    2009 Will Be A Year For All To Live & Walk In Truth.
8.    2009 Will Be A Year Of Exhibited & Manifested Righteousness.
9.    2009 Will Be A Year To Forget The Past; And Receive The Significance Of Manasseh’s Name Sake.
10.    2009 Will Be A Year To Strongly Walk In The Spirit Of Discernment In Every Situation That Is Around         Us.
11.    2009 Will Be A Year To Break-Through Obstacles In Mass-Proportions.
12.    2009 Will Be A Year To Walk In Greater Manifestations Of The Holy Spirit.
13.    2009 Will Be A Year Of Quick Answers To Prayer.
14.    2009 Will Be A Season For Single Saints To Find Their True God-Ordained Spouses.
15.    2009 Will Be A Season To Solidify Your Environment To Pro-Create The God-Product Out From Your Life.
16.    2009 Will Be The Time To Shake Off Every Recurring-Hindrance.
17.    2009 Will Be A Year Of Tremendous Provision For God’s Purposes.
18.    2009 Will Be A Year Of The Return Of The Lost-Sheep.
19.    2009 Will Be A Year Of The Exoduses Of God’s People Out From Places Of Darkness And Bondage Into         His Blessed- Habitations.
20.    2009 Will Be A Year To Know A True-Prophet And True-Deliverer.
21.    2009 Will Be A Year To Know That *When God Is With You; You Will Always Outwit Your Enemies.
22.    2009 Will Be A Year To Build-Up And Use Our Faith.
23.    2009 Will Be A Year To Gain A Dominion-Mentality.
24.    2009 Will Be A Year For Psalm 35:27 To Come To Pass.
25.    2009 Will Be A Year Of Divine-Health.
26.    2009 Will Be A Year Of ‘Dominion’ For Us; And We Will Possess Many Possessions.
27.    2009 Will Be A Year Of The Pro-Creation Of The Miraculous.
28.    2009 Will Be A Year Of Receiving And Releasing God’s Wisdom.
29.    2009 Will Be A Year That We Will Win Souls As Jesus Christ Told Us To Do In His Great Commission.
30.    2009 Will Be A Year That We Will Understand And Take Severe Action In Our God-Given Right and Power To Transform Nations.